What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 00:02
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
How can you maintain self-control?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It was going to be , some day.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I will be 64.
What is world history that not many people know about?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
My family never makes their pension either.
How can I easily get rid of my writers block?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She married twice! .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
She was in good health!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I said to her
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When she asked me how she looked .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is soul school!.
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools